I bought a whiteboard and hung it outside my door.
Here is my year long plan. I’m going to have a special day each day of the week in which I draw and write about science. I’ll hang it outside my room so my students see it when they walk in. These are the days I think I’m going to…
I’m drowning. As I sit here and write this I am sobbing. Struggling to keep those deep secrets inside. The kind of secrets that wouldn’t just tear me apart but those around me. Those who think they’ve built an impermeable shield around me of safety. How wrong they are, how naive. Shattered and worthless they would feel to know that one way or another they failed. Because believe me when I say I’ve tried. Oh I’ve tried to open this chamber of secrets, to get help, to explain all of my pain. But when I touch the tip of the iceberg with them they crack ,they break ,they hold things against me. Desperately clinging on to the very idea of utopia they feel they’ve created. everything they are so proud of, becomes everything they are ashamed of. But they still have no idea, non whatsoever. but I’m sitting there in this bubble looking at them being so proud o their work of what they think they’ve built. Sitting in here drowning, suffocating, broken, corrupted, in pain. Wanting to let them know I’d like to just be put out my misery. But they don’t even know how miserable they would be if they knew who miserable I am. But I don’t have the heart to tell them,don’t have the strength to explain the why I am the way I am.
I can’t explain my pain in order to release my own pain and cause them pain. That’s selfish and it would only feed my own destruction more. So I’m drowning.